


Gone

by faithfulDiscord



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Denial, Emotional Striders, Gen, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Misplaced Anger, Open Ending?, Sadstuck, Suicide, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-05
Updated: 2014-07-05
Packaged: 2018-02-03 08:53:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1738667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithfulDiscord/pseuds/faithfulDiscord
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What would happen if your best friend just disappeared one day? What if it was your son? How would you take it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Well like most of what I've been writing recently this isn't going to be happy, if you haven't realized that already. This actually came to be because of a conversation I had with my matesprit. It was a simple question I asked. "What would you do if I just up and disappeared one day?" 
> 
> Well this was the answer I was given and one gave. I hope nobody ever has to go through this and I hope everybody enjoys (I'm using this term very losely XD) this. 
> 
> And just so you know I DON'T OWN ANYTHING!!! Also POV's change at the line.

“Hey, Dad I’m going to go out with a couple friends.”

This was nothing new, especially with him turning twenty soon. Even though he is technically an adult he still ends up telling me before he goes out. When he was younger it had always made me worry but as he became more social, the worry has lessened and has become almost non-existent but tonight was...different.

When he told me this, my stomach became a huge knot and hard like stone. I didn’t know why, but I didn’t want him to go out tonight but I didn’t say anything to him as I watched him get ready.

“Just be careful.”

He rolls his eyes and ends up kissing my cheek before he exits the kitchen, “Of course, Dad. Stop worrying. I’ll even call you when I get there. Plus, Dave, Rose, and Jade are going to be there.”

That was usually enough to sedate my worry but my stomach was still in knots but I wouldn’t dare tell him not to go.

He pulls on his shoes and gives me a smile in which he hopes to calm my nerves but it does nothing.

“I’ll be back tonight, I promise. I love you.”

“Good, have a good time son. I love you too.”

Later, when he called me telling me where he was the strange sinking feeling I had didn’t let up. It actually got worse by the time he hung up. I tried to push it off to me being old and senile. The whole time, I was trying to convince myself that he would be fine since he was with all his friends but nothing seemed to unknot my stomach.

When it was around midnight he called me and told me he was leaving but he would be taking the bus since Dave lived on the other side of town. By the time the conversation ended, I felt like I was about to cry. I berated myself because I knew I just wasn’t thinking clearly and that he would be home in an hour or so.

As I sat there, nothing I did seemed to make time go faster. I was becoming anxious because I had to know that my son was alright. The hour felt like a lifetime but it seemed to only got worse as the hour slowly started ticking away. I tried to stay away from thinking the worst possible outcome but it was hard as I continued to sit there and watch the clock. By the time the second hour rolled by I was almost frantic. I wanted to get up and just pace back and forth but I stayed in my seat watching the clock, just waiting for the rattle of keys, soft footsteps, the soft squeak of the door opening just waiting for...something.

After about ten more minutes of just not thinking and watching the clock, I decided to do something but I didn’t want John to think I didn’t trust him, so I ended up calling Dave. I just had to hope that John was with him or at least been in contact with him. When the phone was ringing, I tried to calm myself but it wasn’t exactly working.

_Hello?_

I couldn’t help but feel a little guilty when he answered, his voice was raspy with sleep.

“Hello, Dave. I’m sorry to wake you, I was just wondering if you have heard from John..?”

_The last time I saw him, he was walking towards the bus stop…why..?_

The knot in my stomach miraculously has gotten tighter at his words.

“He um…” my throat felt like it was about to close up on me, “He’s not home yet and he hasn’t called. I know I’m not being rational but if you hear anything from him tell him to call me.”

_Of course...I don’t think you should worry, he probably got side-tracked talking to a girl on the bus or something._

Dave was never a good liar, after saying that he chuckled even though when he said it there was absolutely no emotion to it.

“Yes, of course...Goodnight Dave.”

_Goodnight, Mr.Egbert._

* * *

 (Voice acting track at the bottom) 

\-- **turntechGodhead [** TG **] started pestering ectoBiologist [** EB **]**  --

TG: so egderp whats this i hear about you skippin out on goin home 

TG: i mean sure its great to have the freedom to just do what the fuck ever finally and it kinda makes you feel all empowered and invincible and shit 

TG: but seriously 

TG: where the fuck are you man 

TG: dude your dad fucking called me 

TG: woke me up from the sickest of dreams 

TG: and sounded like he was gonna fucking collapse or some shit 

TG: hello 

TG: hey bro are you even paying attention 

TG: john i can see youre online so stop being a douche and reply 

TG: egbert im not kidding 

TG: usually sure its all 

TG: okay whatevs ill play along why not 

TG: but that bus shouldnt have taken this long and your dad fucking called me 

TG: you know he pretty much never does that 

TG: and then i had to talk to a distressed daddy egbert about why his only goddamn son isnt back yet 

TG: what the hell are you thinking dude 

TG: is this like one of your stupid pranks 

TG: cuz its far from funny

\-- **ectoBiologist [** EB **] became an idle chum!** \--

TG: john

TG: this really isnt cool man

TG: shit everyones fucking worried and im pretty sure that by now your dads called fuckin rose and jade and youre still not back and fuck dude this isnt like an episode of the twilight zone or whatever

TG: get your ass home and fucking console everyone

TG: egbert

TG: holy shit john where even are you

TG: please tell me you didnt do anything stupid

TG: if i dont hear from you by morning im gonna fucking scour this whole damn town the whole fucking state if i need to and im gonna beat the hell outta you cuz this shits not right

TG: just fucking answer

TG: please john

\-- **turntechGodhead [** TG **] ceased pestering ectobiologist [** EB **]** \--

This shit was turning serious. John never fucking did this. Even when he was playing his “Ultimate Prank” whatever the hell that was, he always ends up texting me back when shit got real and he should have texted back right when I mentioned his dad.

Something just...isn’t right. Mr. Egbert hasn’t flipped out this bad in years, I don’t even think it was this bad when John first started high school.

John Egbert you better be okay because if this is some kind of sick joke, I’m going to throttle you.  

The longer I laid there, the faster my thoughts raced. I couldn’t just stay here and do nothing, I had to move and think. Staying in my apartment was no longer an option, I threw on some clothes and drove to the restaurant I left a couple hours ago. I needed to trace my steps and also John’s. As I walked towards the restaurant I tried to keep thinking rationally. When I entered the small building, I went straight to our waitress to see if she saw John come back in for something.

She said she hasn’t seen him since he left with me. I didn’t expect him to be here but I wished that he was. I thanked her before I left and started walking towards the bus stop.

I should have walked with him, this part of town was always kind of sketchy but it was only a couple blocks and I knew the bus would be coming soon. Trying to think rationally was slowly starting to become impossible as I continued to walk in the dark. As I got closer to the small shelter that marked the bus stop, I could tell from where I was that nobody was in there but I needed some kind of proof that he was here.

There was absolutely nothing. No phone or wallet, not even a damn shoe print. He might not have made it this far… I had to try and get a hold of him again. To see if maybe, just fucking maybe it will work this time. After I sat down on the bench, I quickly selected his name and I thanked whatever god that it rang, which meant his phone was still on but whatever relief I got from that small fact was short lived when I heard the beginning of the song Sunglasses at Night begin playing in a nearby storm drain. My blood ran cold as I walked towards the sound and the small blue light.

I picked up the phone off the grate and did nothing but stare at it, I just couldn’t believe that it was here and I really wished it wasn’t. The song finally ended but right after another one began, it was Piano Man and it flashed a picture of Mr. Egbert smiling at the camera.

_John? John, where are you? Why aren’t you home?_

His voice was wrecked and shaky but it had a slight tone of relief that I wish I didn’t have to ruin.

“...Mr.Egbert…”

_Dave..? Why do you have John’s phone? Let me talk to my son._

“He’s...not here. I found his phone…”

_What do you mean he’s not there? You have his phone...he must be with you._

I felt like I was about to throw up and cry as I answered him, “I found his phone in a storm drain…”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://tindeck.com/listen/glxa


	2. Chapter 2

Everything just stopped. I didn’t want to believe him, I couldn’t believe him. Nothing moved, nothing made a sound and my heart didn’t even feel like it was beating anymore.

I didn’t want to think of the implications of that simple statement. I wanted to stay blissfully unaware, to have the small sliver of hope that at any moment he would be coming straight through the door.

_I’m sorry..._

I didn’t want to hear him say what I already knew. I won’t dare say it or even think it. I just wanted this day to rewind and never happen.

I was already crying, I knew I shouldn’t have let him go tonight. I wanted to do something but I knew nothing could be done.

My emotions were rampant and I wasn’t being rational, I just needed to take my frustrations out on somebody and Dave was the one on the phone…

“Sorry doesn’t bring my son home. Sorry doesn’t make this situation better, Dave. You were with him, you should have watched after him. Now because of your negligence he isn’t here.”

I know I shouldn’t have said that but I really couldn’t stop myself. It wasn’t Dave’s fault, all the things I said to him it was was what I was saying to myself. It wasn’t fair to him but I didn’t care at the moment.

Before he could say anything else, I hung up. I couldn’t deal with him being the last familiar face my son saw.

I was finally broken. Nothing I did mattered. My son, the little boy I cared for and loved with all my heart was gone. I was never going to see him again.

That first night I did nothing but cry and sob at the table. I didn’t move and I don’t think I could have. By the time the next morning came around, I was stiff, out of tears, and completely exhausted. I felt like a dead man walking up to my room, nothing seemed to faze me. All I wanted was to curl up in bed and never move again.

* * *

_Sorry doesn’t bring my son home. Sorry doesn’t make this situation better, Dave. You were with him, you should have watched after him. Now because of your negligence he isn’t here._

He was right. Everything he said was right. I should have watched over him. I should have walked with him but I didn’t because I’m the worst best friend in the history of the world. Even if Mr. Egbert didn’t hang up I don’t think I could have said anything to him.

What he said just kept running through my head. I dropped to my knees and puked up my dinner.

Then the tears finally came. I sat there on my knees just silently crying, wishing somebody would come and put me out of my misery.

I probably sat like that for at least an hour until I decided that I couldn’t just sit there and do nothing. I had to show, not only Mr.Egbert but also myself, that I wasn’t the biggest fuck up.

I had to steel myself push everything down, I was no good to anybody if I was an emotional wreck.

I slowly got to my feet and stood there until I felt like I wasn’t going to fall again.

I didn’t know where I wanted to go but I just knew I needed to move. It was just one step in front of the other until I felt like I had to stop. Where I stopped was about two blocks away from the bus stop. It was an abandoned building and the door was ajar, I don’t know why but I slowly walked in.

Everything was quiet but I kept walking, just searching for a sign of my best friend. It was an old apartment complex, it was completely abandoned but it felt like he was here. He had to be here. There was nothing on the first floor but I knew I had to keep looking, I had to keep looking not matter what. I walked up the stairs to the second floor and nothing. On the third floor I saw a door with a red X painted on it, my heart beat hard against my chest. If John was anywhere he would be there. He had to be here. He couldn’t be anywhere else.

I pushed open the door and held my breath. My stomach dropped as I stood there, it was just an empty room. There was nothing there. No sign of John.

Everything became surreal in that moment. Somewhere deep inside I knew I would never be able to find him. I would never be able to face Mr.Egbert ever again because it was my fault. It was all my fault.

Even though I knew I would never be able to see him again I continued to search for him. It felt like I scoured the whole city, it left me drained but I kept looking and some how every night I ended up at that building. Every single time I stepped into that room, what his dad said to me would echo through my head. I knew he was right.

About two weeks later I made up my mind, I knew what I had to do.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update...some stuff has been going down in my household. Enjoy your sadstuck

It’s been two weeks since my son disappeared.

The first two days I had everybody I knew out looking for him but I knew deep down they wouldn’t be able find him.

Now, everybody believes that he’s dead but I will not believe that. Even if they found his body, I still wouldn’t believe it. They say that time will heal all wounds but for this, time is just making it worse. Everyday the pain of losing my son is getting worse but nobody sees it. I put on this mask so I’m able to go to work and lose myself in the monotony of working in a cubical. Everybody thinks I’m fine. Nobody knows that almost every night I drink myself into a stupor so I can finally get some sleep without thinking about what a horrible parent I am.

Tonight is no different. I’m sitting at the kitchen table and it is around 6:30. I just walked in not even ten minutes ago. I hate what I’m doing to myself but I can’t stop, this is the only way I can just not think about anything. At this point I still have enough decorum to have a glass, I know that later on I’ll drink straight from the bottle. I’m on my third glass of whiskey when I finally start feeling the effects.

When I start the fourth glass, everything is just starting to become fuzzy. A couple minutes later, somebody knocks on my door. Their knocks were loud and fast, I just wanted the sound to stop so I went to get the door and see who it was.

I opened the door and there stood Roxy, my long time friend and coworker. It looked like she was going to say something but stopped before when she saw me standing there. Roxy stepped towards me and the look she gave me was something I wish I never had to see. It was a mix between betrayal and disappointment. She was currently three years sober and here I was drinking because I couldn’t deal with the loss of my son.

She grabbed my wrist with a steel grip and made me look into her eyes, “Are you drunk?”

I tried to get out of her grip but she wouldn't let up, I couldn't deal with this. She couldn't understand, she could never know what it felt like to lose somebody like this.

Then she let go and I almost fell flat on my face before she just barely whispered, “Is it because of John..?”

I don’t know when I started crying. My vision blurred and I snapped, “Of course it’s because of John. He was my son! I should have protected him. I should have kept him here with me. It’s my fault, it was all my fault. I knew, I fucking knew he shouldn't have gone out.”

I didn’t even see her hand come towards me, all I felt was the blossom of pain across my cheek as she slapped me. It sobered me slightly and I completely shut up to let her talk.

“James Egbert. You listen to me and you listen good. It was not your fault, you couldn’t have done anything to change what happened and this,” she gestures towards me, “is not the answer. I care for you and you do not want to go down this path. Now, pull yourself together and go to bed. We’ll talk more in the morning when your sober.”

I had no choice in the matter, she grabbed my forearm and helped me up the stairs. When I finally lied down, she lightly brushed my hair out of my face, “You were a good dad. Don’t ever tell yourself differently.”

With that last sentence she left and I cried silently until I fell asleep.  

* * *

 (voice acting track at the bottom)

i cant deal with this anymore. the guilt hasnt gone away and it never will. i fucked up. i fucked things up so bad. i should have looked over him, i should have protected him or died trying. this is the only option left. im sorry mr egbert. i would do anything to take his place so you can have him back. you were right, everything you said was right, sorry doesnt bring john back but i hope you will forgive me for abandoning him. i know i fucked up by just letting him walk on his own. i fucking grew up here i know how this part of town is and i just. i didnt think about it. and because i was too stupid to have any damn common sense johns missing or dead god i hope hes not because people like him dont deserve that. good people like him never deserve this kind of shit and it always happens to them and fuck i know it doesnt help any but im sorry. if nothing else you wont have to worry about your sons fuck up of a friend. i am so so sorry.

My hands trembled and I could barely hold the pen I was using. My vision blurred as I wrote the last sentence. I folded the paper and laid it on my desk, I also laid my shades on the letter to make sure they would read it.

I went to my cork board that was on the wall behind my desk and I made sure to put the red pin at where exactly I would be. It was the abandoned building where I first looked for John. After Bro would call me and call everybody else he would come in here last, to see if I left anything to show where I was.

He would see my shades on my desk and read the letter. Then all the pictures on the board would make sense. He would be the one to find me. I hoped he wouldn’t blame himself for this, there was just no other way.

I left my phone next to the letter and walked out of the apartment. I took a bus to the corner I found John’s phone. The whole ride there I didn’t think about what I was about to do, I knew what I had to do, there was no changing my decision. I got off the bus and began the short walk to the building I scoured to find John and found nothing. This is where everything would end, the pain, the guilt, the crushing sadness, it would end right here, right in this building.

I opened the door slowly and walked up the stairs. On the third floor there was a room with a painted red ‘X’ on the door. I stepped in the room and closed the door. There were three objects in this room. A stool, rope, and a ceiling fan. I put everything in place and even when I was tying the rope, I felt nothing. I only started crying again when I finally tightened the rope around my neck standing on the stool. My body began to shake and I sobbed openly, letting every emotion wash over me for the last time.

Even as I stood there I didn’t rethink my decision, I knew I had to do this.

I closed my eyes and slowly scooted one foot closer to the edge of the stool. I moved my other foot so it wasn't in the center and slowly started adding pressure with the foot on the edge. The tears ran down my face and all I could think of was John being alone and terrified just because I wasn't with him.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m…”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://tindeck.com/listen/drtn


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter and I'm sorry it's so short and took me so long. Thank you for reading. Enjoy.

It is late in the night when I hear somebody pounding on my door. My head already hurts but the knocking seemed urgent so I slowly got out of my bed.

On the other side of the door I found something I wish I never saw in my life.

It was Dave’s older brother, Dirk, without his shades on, crying, and clutching on to a piece of paper.

Before I could ask him what was going on he shoved the piece of paper into my chest. I took it and my heart dropped into my stomach when I read over the red scrawl.

“You,” His voice is deep and slow but menacing but it just kept building up as he kept talking, “You are the reason behind this. You are the reason why he isn’t here. You are the reason why my brother,  MY ONLY FUCKING FAMILY, KILLED HIMSELF! IT’S ONE THING TO LOSE YOUR BEST FRIEND BUT IT’S ANOTHER THING COMPLETELY WHEN HIS DAD FUCKING BLAMES YOU FOR HIS SON’S DEATH! YOU KILLED HIM!”

My heart stopped and I clutched on to the door frame, I was about to collapse, “I’m sorry...I didn’t mean to...I’m…”

He comes towards me and grabs the front of my shirt making me look at him, his eyes were bloodshot and raw with hatred, “Sorry doesn’t bring my brother back.” My heart stopped because it was so close to what I said to Dave, “You can take that sorry and shove it up your ass. James, I will only say this once. If you ever come near me I will not hesitate to kill you. The only reason I haven’t is because I want you to feel exactly what you made Dave experience.” Dirk let go of my shirt and I crumpled on the ground, “You are nothing but low life trash. Stay away from me.” and with that he was gone.

I didn’t know about Dave. I never wanted this to happen. I just wasn’t thinking. If it wasn’t for me he would still be here. I killed him. It was my fault. It was _all_ my fault. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. 

 

 


End file.
